Retired Firefighters

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Fire Service Personnel

Jokes - a little light hearted humour

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.”  She went on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long shower, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks! As he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the shower, the phone rang.  The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.  Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.  As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

Three little ducks go into a bar................

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.  “Huey,” was the reply.  “How’s your day been, Huey?”   “Great. Lovely day.  Had a ball.  Been in and out of puddles all day.  What else could a duck want?” said Huey.  “Oh.  That’s nice,” said the bartender.  He turned to the second duck,  “Hi, and what’s your name?”   “Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.  “So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.  “Great.  Lovely day.  I’ve had a ball too.  Been in and out of puddles all day myself.  What else could a duck want?”  The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”  “No,” she said, batting her eyelashes, “My name is Puddles.”

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster , this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.  When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.  When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”.   “Well, he explained, the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp our processes.  After several months of  analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”  As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with  his spare.  “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.”  I was impressed.  I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.  Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.  So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”  “Oh, certainly!”  Then he lowered his voice “Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.  By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent..”  I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”  “Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.  He descended further and shouted to the lady “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”  The woman below replied, “ You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”  “You must be in IT” said the balloonist.  “Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”  “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost.  Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all.  If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”  The woman below responded, “You must be in Management”  “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”  “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going.  You have risen to  where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.  The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong.  “I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”  

The lady says, “Don’t worry.”  She runs to her car pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.  The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.  Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  “What is in that can?  What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.  

It says..... (Are you ready for this?)

‘Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave’

                                                                                                                 Maureen Saunders

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look, “that’s a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly. “Thanks,” says the little girl  The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s testicles. “Little colleague,” says the firefighter, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster”.  The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then looks into the fireman’s eyes and says  “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?”

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.  The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.  Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.  The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.  The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.  Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place............smack his bottom again!”

Bill Lauder

Q. What does CHAOS stand for?

A.  The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene

A fireman and a policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they have even one bad thought their wings would fall off.  Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady.  As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off.  When he bent to pick them up the policeman’s wings fell off.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull.  “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”  “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.  “They’re packed with nutrients.”  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by the farmer, who shot him out of the tree.  Moral of the story.  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!!

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