Retired Firefighters & Fire Service Personnel
www.ex-
Jokes -
(The items in this section have all been submitted to eX-
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.
As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly
cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation
of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he
make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the
woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and
chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field
was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she
wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the
field. A passer-
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.’ ‘What do they say?’ The priest enquired. They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ ‘That’s obscene!’ The priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. ‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem, I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the bible, Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying .... That phrase.. In no time.’ ‘Thank you’ the woman responded, ‘ this may very well be the solution.’ The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying, Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’ There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, ‘Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!’
Two mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden......”Hey pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.” “Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.” So, with renewed strength, they struggle up to the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. “Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eeees a bacon tree” “Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.” “Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that.. Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. “Pepe... Go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.” Luis Luis mi amigo... What ees it?” “Pepe... Ees not a bacon tree.. Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush.
The fireman climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette, “Ah”, he says, “you are the third pregnant girl I’ve rescued this month”. “But, I’m not pregnant!” “You’re not rescued yet!”.
A woman received some bad news, her husband had been in a car accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news though, they had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which she could choose. A large explosion had killed a firefighter, a station officer and a chief. Having some insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The firefighter’s brain was £10,000, the station officers £50,000 and the chief’s was £1m! Curious, she asked why the chief’s brain was so much more expensive. The reply... Well you see the chief’s brain has never been used!!
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by the farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story. Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!!
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depresses. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought. “That’s what I need... a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see.... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16½ neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see...size 36” Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn’t
decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might just as well
ask them. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow
the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them “and
I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.” Well, Adam jumped
up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that!
It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give
it to me!” On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told
God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the
thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing
all over the place -
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving
wives, however they had become over-
One had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend was wearing an expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next
to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. .
The next day one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl
nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with
no panties'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her bum that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.'
A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the motorway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing
and siren blaring. "I can get away from him -
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." " Have a nice day Sir" the officer replied ...