Retired Firefighters
&
Fire Service Personnel
Actual call centre conversations
Customer: I’ve been calling 0700-
get through; can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number, sir?
Customer: It’s on the door of your business.
Operator: Sir, those are the hours that we are open.
Technical Support
Tech support: I need you to right-
Customer: OK.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-
Customer: No.
Tech Support: Ok. Right-
menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK, Sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?
Customer: Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote
‘click’. Twice.
Samsung Electronics
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are
talking about.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now can you give me the number for
Jack?
Operator: I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me
when I am travelling in Australia?
Operator: Does the product name give you a clue?
(enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in Europe)
Caller: If I register my car in France, and then take it to
England, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car.
Directory Enquiries
Caller: I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please
Operator: I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the
spelling is correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the
‘B’ fell off.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes, That’s what it says on the label -
Scotland.
Following the call below, the Help Desk employee was fired, however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organisation for ‘Termination without Cause’
Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help
you?
Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: Nothing
Operator: Nothing??
Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the ‘C:prompt’ on the screen??
Caller: What’s a sea-
Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?
Caller: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept
anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
Caller: What’s a monitor?
Operator: It’s the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
Caller: I don’t know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
here the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great, Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s
plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one??
Caller: No.
Operator: Well there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely
into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can’t reach.
Operator: OK. Well, can you see if it is??
Caller: No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??
Caller: Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle –
it’s because it’s dark.
Operator: Dark??
Caller: Yes -
is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can’t
Operator: No? Why not??
Caller: Because there’s a power failure.
Operator: A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got
it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and
Manuals and packing stuff that your computer
Came in???
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then
Take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!!!
*BRITISH NEWSPAPERS-
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman
for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's
possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that
destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for
shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was
because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish
police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue
a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know
what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)
At the height of the
gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any
help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs.
Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence
of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated
at the end of 1945, she recalled -
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Blunders / Gaffes
Blunders, gaffes, putting your foot in it or simply saying it as it is
..Previous 1. 2. 3...
..Previous 1. 2. 3...
From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of the
guests' complaints during the season.
"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell
proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
"It's lazy of the local
shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta'
time -
"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted
to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We
booked an excursion to a water park but no-
A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole,
who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant
beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel inadequate".
A woman threatened to
call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she
had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain
in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the
sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A
guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He
was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the
beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking
at other women."
"We b ought 'Ray-
"No-
"It took us nine hours to fly
home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I
compared the size of our one-
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at
the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -
"There
are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish.
Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It
is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we
travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito; no-
"My fiancé
and I booked a twin-
*HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE*
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their
passengers...
1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married
to my ex-
2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know further information as soon as I'm given any.'
3) 'Do you want the good news
first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit
the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'
4)
'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert
at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so
let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten
green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'
5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street
... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that'.
6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional
beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing
that, give it to me.'
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies
and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'
8) 'Let the passengers off
the train FIRST!' (Pause) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines; see
if I care -
9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse
this with 'Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.'
10)
'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are
about to close... It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’
11)
'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'
12) 'To the
gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -
13) 'Please move all baggage
away from the doors.' (Pause.) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.'
(Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses
at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-
14)
'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part
of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you
pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
....... ............
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another
hint! We have digital watches!'
*************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement
turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits
a 727?'
**************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United
329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.'
**************************************************
A student became lost during a
solo cross-
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC
asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
**************************************************
A DC-
San Jose Tower Noted:
'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport.'
**************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for
start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground,
what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you
must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
**************************************************
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for
takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching
to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on
the far end of the runway.'
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'
**************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee
180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the
insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-
**************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt
Airport are renowned as a short-
Ground: 'Speedbird
206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
to a stop.
Speedbird 206:
'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (quite arrogant impatience):
'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes,
twice in 1944, but it was dark, -
**************************************************
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick
Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn
and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air
2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell
the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed
crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'
………………………
Medical Stories
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby
in the taxi.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress
and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after much protest from the lady I
noticed that there were several taxis and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr.
Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed
a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted
by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr.
Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-
5. While acquainting myself with a new
elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete
confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about
twenty years -
6. I was performing
rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how
was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly
and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J.Brandon.
Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once
the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty,
London. Dr. wouldn't submit his name!
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills (unless any of these customers could have been you)!?!?!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you
tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:
That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute.... I hadn't
inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good
day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support:
Would you click on 'start' for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting
technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon,
this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've
even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer
still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing
in red..
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaa....................thank
you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:
A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woollies.
===============
Customer:
My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:
Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did
the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard
is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one
here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is
the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: can't get on
the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:
Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password
was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-
Tech support: That's not an anti-
===============
Customer: I have a huge
problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move
the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer:
I'm writing my first e-
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle
around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No,
my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle
next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last
but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech
support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your
keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
....................